Being in Transition

The problem with being in “transition” is that it gives the impression there is some kind of movement.  How I wish that was true. For some reason I feel like my world is growing smaller and smaller as if a giant planetary telescope has been turned around and zoomed in directly on me.  Its precise measurements hone in on my universe of faults and inadequacies and I don’t like the picture I see. Like I’m discovering uncharted galaxies of sin that I have heretofore been completely oblivious to.  So what happens when transition looks more like a stalled out car than a rocket ship?  I want to reach the moon but I’m finding that my fuel is depleted and I think I busted an O-ring somewhere.  Back to the drawing board?  Blow the whole thing up?  Or figure out why?  Why am I stationary?  Why can’t I get moving?  I have a lot of questions and somehow I feel like its all related to my heart.  Somewhere along the way I lost it and I can’t seem to find it anymore.  Its like a Where’s Waldo from hell.  The only solace I’ve been able to find is reading people’s stories about how God has done something new in their lives.  I read them and I think how much I would like to see that again.  The days when I felt God’s presence regularly and knew I was on a mission for him.  Now I just sit here stewing.  What is it I’m supposed to learn?  I wish I had an answer.  So far nothing has seemed to work.  I’m hopeful that in the days ahead I will come to a revelation but its been slow going these past few months.  I just want to realize what I’m supposed to and get on with the rest of my life.  Somehow I’m in limbo and I find it really unsettling.  I know there is a lesson in here and damned if I am going to sit here and not make an effort to figure it out.  I just wish I had some more encouragement to let me know I’m on the right track.  Kind of like a mile marker on my journey of waiting.  Gotta keep my eyes peeled because they blow by real fast.

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Published in: on April 21, 2010 at 4:35 pm  Comments (2)  
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